Beef Burgundy, You’re the Worst

Well, hey there again.

Not to be all sappy, but I heartily appreciate everyone who took the time and read my initial ramblings. Meant a lot, Brah.

I smiled like this on the inside.

I really wanted my technically first blogged recipe to be nothing short of spectacular. I wanted people to be like “Wow, that Lizzie sure knows how to whip up a tasty dish.” Or, make you drool a little at my delightful photos.

Alas, the first recipe that I decided to document was not fantastic. It wasn’t even good.

IT WAS THE WORST.

I guess I should start from the beginning now that you know the ending…

So, our tale starts with my ever-deepening love of my shiny red crockpot, Ruby.

Hello, Beautiful.
And yes, I had a mini photo shoot in the kitchen with my crockpot.

 Ruby was Boyfriend’s and my first purchase together during a stressful trip to Target; we were attempting to stock up our new apartment. I wanted to buy all sorts of kitchen gadgets while Boyfriend was drawn to the electronics to purchase a massive TV. Neither of us got our way and after much grumbling at each other, we agreed on one purchase – Ruby.

Since that fateful day, Ruby has supplied us with many a wonderful meal. I love the divine mystery of throwing a bunch of ingredients and spices into Ruby, and 8 hours later on low, I come home to a home-cooked meal. Thank you, Ruby.

I sincerely enjoy Ruby meals so much that I have made a vow to attempt one crockpot recipe a week to show my utter and loyal devotion.

Anyway, I decided to try my hand at Beef Burgundy.  I mean, what could go wrong? Tender beef and succulent mushrooms synchronized-swimming in a fragrant red wine sauce coupled with buttery egg noodles. Delicious, right?

I did my research and found the following recipe (which had high user ratings). I guess I have to admit that I had to improvise on more than 1 ingredient.

Ingredients

• 1/4 cup flour
• 2 tablespoons cornstarch, divided
• 1 teaspoon steak seasoning
• 2 pounds cubed beef for stew *I couldn’t find stew beef so I bought “Beef for marinating”…whatever that means.
• 4-5 tablespoons olive oil
• 1 medium onion
• 1 cup Burgundy {or red} wine *I used cabernet sauvignon because it’s delicious.
• 2 tablespoons minced garlic {or mince two garlic cloves} *I luuuuurve garlic. I put way more in than the recommended amount.
• 4 ounces sliced baby Portabello mushrooms *I used baby bella mushrooms instead. They were cheaper so sue me.
• 1 tsp salt
• 3 bay leaves *This is probably where I went wrong. I don’t like cooking with bay leaves so I added basil and extra garlic.
• 1 cup beef broth *This also might be where I went wrong. I only had chicken stock so I used that.
• 1/4 cup warm water
• 1 – 2 tablespoons chopped parsley {optional} *I used dried parsley. Maybe went wrong here too.

Instructions

1. Combine flour, 1 tablespoon cornstarch and steak seasoning in a ziploc bag and shake to mix. *I didn’t have a ziplock bag so I put them in a bowl and mixed it real nice.
2. Add stew meat to the bag and seal; Shake to coat and set aside. *RED FLAG: I am a firm believer that you should always season your meat with a little salt and pepper as your first step. I salted and peppered that beef right up.
3. Add the olive oil to a large skillet over medium high heat.
4. Once the oil is hot, add the beef mixture and cook 5-6 minutes, turning often to brown meat on all sides.
5. While the beef is browning, peel and slice the onion in half and chop into 1/2-inch pieces.
6. Add the onion and the wine to the pan and cook for 2 minutes.
7. Stir in garlic, mushrooms, bay leaves, and beef broth, and bring to a boil. *Again, no basil leaves were harmed in the making of this recipe.
8. While that comes to a boil, add 1 tablespoon cornstarch and the warm water to a small bowl and stir until dissolved.
9. Pour the cornstarch mixture into meat and stir for 1-2 minutes.
10. Remove from heat and pour the stew into the crock pot.
11. At this point, the stew could be refrigerated overnight to slow cook the next day. IF refrigerating overnight, add an extra 1/4 cup each beef broth and red wine to the stew. *Like a good student, I added the extra liquid.
12. Cook on LOW for 8 hours or on HIGH for 4 hours.
13. Discard bay leaves before serving and add salt & pepper to taste. *Nooooope. And there wasn’t much the tasting salt and pepper could do in the end.
14. Garnish with chopped parsley if desired. *Not much the dried parsley garnish could do either.

Preparation time: 10 – 15 minutes; Cooking time: 4-8 hours, depending on temperature

Mmm yeah.

So the overall prep time was just too much. I was almost elbow deep in flour and spices; my beef medallions looked like little ghosts, which was honestly unappetizing.

And I had to do so much cooking!  I’m used to browning meat before throwing it in Ruby but cooking down the meat, onions, and mushrooms and bringing the sauce to a boil?  Uuuuhhh, isn’t that what Ruby is supposed to do in her 8 hour marathon?

I was dubious and grumpy during the involved preparation process AND ended up splashing red wine on one of my favorite shirts – my Deathly Hallows tank top. HOW DARE YOU, BEEF BURGUNDY.

The Deathly Hallows shirt and I during happier times.

Another wonderful thing about Ruby meals is that as I stroll down my apartment building’s hallway after a long work day, I get to smell the delicious aromas emanating through my apartment door. She’s so good to me, that Ruby.

But instead, it just smelled like heavy gravy and meat. Which is how I imagine Viking halls used to smell like.

I quickly entered and checked on the meal. THERE WAS A CONGEALED LAYER ON TOP.

I gamely went on to salvage the meal. It just needed a good stir right?

And so I stirred and it looked like this:

If you’re thinking,” Um wow, that kind of looks like…well…”

YES, IT LOOKED LIKE POO. ICKY YUCKY POO.

But the show must go on. And I still had to cook the noodles.

The Viking meat and gravy scent wasn’t doing much for me. So I did the next best thing. I indulged in some delicious cheese to take the edge of my hunger off.

Mmmm cheeeese.

As opened my egg noodles, I noticed something truly ironic.

And I was like:

And…

Meanwhile, Boyfriend had returned from his run and was sweaty and starving. He offered many times to help cook the meal because a) I think he was trying to be helpful b) he was absolutely starving and wanted to speed up the process. At this point, I was a Grumpasaurus Rex and rebuffed all his attempts to help and essentially ordered him to sit down and be quiet. I was in full-out Kitchen Czar mode.

Sad, sweaty Boyfriend being quiet and praying I’ll open a can of SpaghettiOs.

I finally finished the meal and here was the end result.

A heaping portion of poo over non-egg noodles.

So, if I’m being completely fair, first and foremost, this could have been a completely different meal if I had used bay leaves. But, should 3 bay leaves truly have impacted the outcome of a meal that greatly? I will never know.

I also think the meal had a lack of overall spices for my liking. To me, it was just bland. I will also stay away from the egg/non-egg noodles. My knee jerk reaction was to make mashed potatoes, and I went against my better judgement. NEVER AGAIN.

If I want to be a good food blogger one day, I should probably play with the spices and see if I can get this recipe more to my liking, but we shall see. I’m trying to space out the red meat recipes so that Boyfriend and I don’t get scurvy.

The next all-out beef recipe I do will most likely make my mum’s Beef Oxford. Now THAT is something to write poetry about.

Oh and here was Boyfriend’s review of the beef burgundy: “It was…fine.”

…For never was a story of more misery
Than this of Lizzie and her Beef Burgundy [Exeunt]

Tschüss!

Sie Lizzie D